Transactional Love is a conditional exchange where affection or care is offered with the expectation of receiving something in return, such as validation or reciprocation. It operates like a contract, driven by external motives and often tied to a sense of obligation or debt.
Non-Transactional Love is given freely without expecting repayment, rooted in genuine care and intrinsic motivation. It prioritizes authentic connection and truth, unbound by calculations or external rewards.
The word “transaction” originates from the Latin “transactio,” meaning “an agreement” or “completion,” derived from “trans-” (across) and “agere” (to act or do). It refers to an act of carrying out or settling an exchange between parties, often implying mutual action or performance.
Agape love, in traditional Greek usage, refers to a form of love that prioritizes the well-being of others without expecting anything in return, often associated with divine or universal compassion, and is distinctly non-transactional as it seeks no reciprocation or zoomed in personal benefit, deferring instead to a zoomed out “bigger picture” personal benefit. In the New Testament, agape is elevated as the highest form of love, exemplified by God’s empathetic love for humanity and Jesus’ teachings, such as loving one’s enemies and neighbors as oneself, transcending the transactional debt accrued by sin.
Pride, in a virtuous sense, is the rational recognition and celebration of one’s earned achievements and self-worth, grounded in personal integrity and effort. It fosters confidence and resilience, enabling individuals to stand firm in their convictions without veering into arrogance.
In a non-transactional mindset, responsibility is an act of self-respect, where individuals take ownership of their lives, relationships, and creations to align their actions with their values. It is driven by virtuous pride, reflecting a commitment to future growth and the nurturing of what one has built, free from the burdens of transactional obligation.
In transactional systems, fairness reigns as the central motivating force, ensuring balance and equity in exchanges, whether financial, social, or even romantic. This mindset manifests in relationships as “transactional love,” where actions are measured, and obligations are enforced through words like “should” and “must.” The expectation is clear: one must reciprocate kindness, effort, or resources to maintain justice. This rigid framework often stems from a scarcity mindset, where resources—emotional or otherwise—are seen as limited, necessitating strict accounting to prevent loss. Fairness, while seemingly noble, can trap individuals in a cycle of obligation, where actions are performed not out of genuine care but to settle a perceived debt.
The emotional consequence of transactional systems is often anger, an emotion that signals a perceived violation of fairness or justice. When one feels cheated—whether by a partner, employer, or society—anger arises from a sense of powerlessness to restore equity. This dynamic is particularly evident in transactional love, where unmet expectations lead to resentment, as one partner feels they’ve given more than they’ve received. The focus on fairness creates a zero-sum game, where every interaction is scrutinized for balance, leaving little room for spontaneity or unconditional care. As fairness becomes the lens through which life is viewed, the joy of giving freely is replaced by a ledger of debts and credits.
One of his [Freud’s] students Melanie Klein verified that the biggest problem lay in something that Freud himself discovered while working in a psychiatric hospital, which he called “envy“. He observed this in the more seriously mentally disturbed. …Melanie Klein changed the Freudian sexual focus to the idea that envy lay at the base of psychological problems. She used this word [envy] to describe a feeling of wanting to destroy the goodness of other people. What we daily take note of in sick individuals, especially the most seriously ill, is that they want to spoil what others have. So, envy is not the desire to have what others have, but instead is the desire to destroy the goodness that others have.
According to my discovery in 1977 of what I call “inversion”, which is based on envy, the human being is upside down because of this envy. Envy twists the human being against goodness and in favor of evil. That is, against sanity in favor of sickness. Envy spawns inversion. The envious individual inverts everything and because of that, he becomes sick. We see this especially in the most serious mental, social and organic diseases. Now, there is not a single sick person who is not envious. The greatest problem of all of humanity is this problem of inversion and envy. That is why humanity is reaching the end in terms of personal health and ecology.
Envy disturbs us because it makes us unconscious. […]the unconscious is an attitude that the human being has against consciousness. He becomes unconscious. […] For example, intelligence: in truth, human beings have in their mental structure all possible knowledge and perception that human beings can have. But because of inverted attitudes, attitudes of envy, he denies more and more of this perception. And the perception decreases so much with aging that when he is 27 years old, his intelligence is so diminished that he is not able to understand the world anymore. He enters into a state of corruption.
The idea the world has is that envy is related to development — to wanting something more. But envy is a denial of something — not only what the other has, but also what the person him or herself has. The question of life, for example. The human being knows that life does not belong to him, that it was not he who created life. Then he denies it, and by doing that, he also denies the existence of a better life for others. So he tries to destroy not only what others have, but also what he has. He does this of course in an unconscious way, because envy is an attitude against goodness. It is the privation [lack] of goodness. This gradually undermines his consciousness, his intelligence. So envy and inversion lead the human being to an unconscious state. We become unconscious as a consequence of our attitudes against consciousness.
Dr. Norberto Keppe, “Envy, Madness, and True Reality“
Envy, as defined by Dr. Norberto Keppe, further complicates the transactional mindset, revealing a darker dimension of fairness. In my articles, “Envy: The Green Monster That’s Deconstructing the West” I shared Keppe’s view that envy is not mere jealousy but a destructive impulse rooted in the rejection of goodness, beauty, and truth. Envy perceives others’ creativity, success, or happiness as unfair, prompting a desire to tear down what others have built rather than create something of one’s own. In transactional systems, envy masquerades as a quest for equity, but its true aim is to level all achievement to a state of mediocrity, stifling innovation and joy. This makes envy a toxic counterpart to anger, as it seeks to destroy rather than restore balance in its quest for fairness.
Sacrifice is another byproduct of transactional systems, often framed as a noble act but rooted in the inherent debt of keeping accounts balanced. In such systems, individuals sacrifice time, energy, or desires to “pay” for fairness, perpetuating a cycle of obligation. As I explored in “Reflecting on the Message of Easter via a Transactional vs. Non-Transactional Lens,” Jesus’ crucifixion can be seen as addressing this transactional debt—a debt humanity could never repay due to the systemic nature of sin within such frameworks. Rather than a traditional sacrifice driven by obligation, Jesus’ act on the cross can be understood as an expression of non-transactional (agape) love, motivated by pride in His creation and responsibility to restore humanity to a state of divine alignment. In a non-transactional system, sacrifice is replaced by pride and responsibility, where actions stem from a love that seeks no repayment, exemplified by Jesus’ choice to transcend the transactional ledger through an act of ultimate creation.
Pride in one’s past means taking credit for one’s specific achievements, pausing to recognize oneself with either “I did it,” or “This is good.” It means taking credit, as a self-made being, for simply being who one is. This includes taking credit for one’s accomplishments of character and personal development. […] The two perspectives of pride in the past and pride in the future are inseparable, because one cannot achieve self-esteem by means of one without the other. By taking responsibility, one makes sure one will have objective reasons to assess oneself positively as time moves forward. But to make that positive assessment, one must take credit for one’s actual accomplishments. One cannot experience self-esteem without taking credit, and one cannot earn it without taking responsibility. ~The Atlas Society, “Moral Tradition: The Virtue of Pride“
A non-transactional mindset discards fairness as a primary motivator, replacing it with pride and responsibility, as inspired by Ayn Rand’s philosophy. Pride, in this context, is not arrogance but a virtuous recognition of one’s achievements and self-worth. As The Atlas Society articulates, “Pride in one’s past means taking credit for one’s specific achievements, pausing to recognize oneself with either ‘I did it,’ or ‘This is good.’ It means taking credit, as a self-made being, for simply being who one is.” This pride motivates by drawing on past achievements to inspire responsible future actions, framing pride as an internal compass guiding individuals to act responsibly not because they must, but because they value their creations—be it their character, family, property, or legacy.
However, pride in vanity, which lacks truth and substance, is a distortion of this virtue, veering closer to arrogance. Deriving self-esteem from trivialities—such as superficial appearances, fleeting social approval, or material excess—is not healthy pride but an escape from the shame inherent in transactional systems. This vain pride seeks to mask feelings of inadequacy by focusing on external markers of worth, which are ultimately hollow. Unlike virtuous pride, which is grounded in authentic achievements and alignment with truth, pride in vanity is a fragile facade, dependent on constant validation and disconnected from responsibility. It perpetuates the transactional cycle by prioritizing image over substance, leaving individuals vulnerable to the same anger and envy that fairness breeds.
This shift from fairness to virtuous pride fundamentally alters one’s approach to relationships and life. In a non-transactional framework, actions are driven by a desire to align with truth and to nurture what one has built. As I noted in “Pride, Arrogance, and Grammatical Fallacies,” “Pride is the emotional reward for living in alignment with one’s values, a quiet satisfaction in knowing one has acted with integrity.” Unlike fairness, which demands reciprocity, pride motivates individuals to give freely, trusting that their efforts contribute to their lives and rational self-interests, with the side effect of contributing to the greater whole of society via cymatics and spontaneous order. This mindset fosters resilience, as the focus shifts from external validation to internal fulfillment, reducing the likelihood of anger or envy born from perceived inequities.
The non-transactional approach also redefines responsibility. In transactional systems, responsibility is a burden, a “must” to appease others or maintain fairness. In contrast, a pride-driven mindset views responsibility as an act of self-respect. By taking ownership of one’s life, relationships, and creations, individuals ensure their actions reflect their values. The Atlas Society emphasizes this duality: “One cannot experience self-esteem without taking credit, and one cannot earn it without taking responsibility.” This synergy underscores that true pride requires both acknowledging past achievements and committing to future growth, creating a virtuous cycle of self-esteem.
However, the transactional mindset often masquerades as humility, a faux virtue I critiqued in “Modesty: The Faux Humility.” Transactional fairness can lead to self-effacement, where individuals downplay their worth to avoid seeming arrogant, yet secretly crave external validation to feel “fairly” recognized. True pride, conversely, requires no such pretense. It allows individuals to stand tall in their accomplishments without diminishing others, fostering genuine connections rather than competitive scorekeeping. As I wrote, “Modesty often hides a need for approval, whereas pride is self-contained, needing no external applause.” This liberation from external judgment empowers individuals to love and give without expecting repayment, transforming relationships into acts of mutual creation rather than obligation.
Ultimately, embracing a non-transactional mindset rooted in virtuous pride and responsibility offers a path to sustainable, fulfilling lives. By moving beyond fairness and its destructive offshoots—envy, obligatory sacrifice, and vain pride—individuals can escape the anger, resentment, and shame that arise from transactional inequities. Jesus’ act on the cross, viewed through a non-transactional lens, exemplifies this shift, transcending the debt of transactional systems to model agape love driven by pride in His creation. As The Atlas Society notes, pride in the past and responsibility for the future are inseparable, forming the foundation of self-esteem. In this light, virtuous pride, as both a reflection on past achievements and a motivator for future responsibility, becomes a transformative force, guiding us to live authentically, love generously, and build lives aligned with truth, free from the corrosive grip of envy, the burdens of transactional debt, and the hollow allure of vanity.
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